Sunday afternoon and I'm not a crumpled heap of anxiety. In fact, I'm showered and dressed even though I don't have any plans to go anywhere.
Also, it's quiet. There is not a single person in the neighborhood using a power tool. No lawnmowers, leaf blowers, weed whackers, pressure washers, or air compressor pumps to be heard. There is just something about the sound of power equipment that puts me on edge. But only certain tools. Power drills, for example, don't bother me. Drills make an annoying high pitched whine but it's just annoying, not anything else. But the things I listed. Ugh. The sound is enough to make me weep crazy tears. Add to that vacuum cleaners. I hate vacuuming because I hate the sound of vacuum cleaners. I ripped the carpet out my house because I hate vacuuming. Also, there are wooden floors underneath. A bit noisy when the dogs walk but otherwise fine. I'd much rather sweep and mop than vacuum.
This is a stream of consciousness journal, so yes, I am going to talk about random crap like how much I hate power equipment. At this particular moment, the cat is trying to crawl on my lap but he's interfering with my typing. Also interfering with my typing is the fact that I am not wearing my glasses. I can't see the screen really well so expect a few typos. Adds to the flavor of the dish.
I saw my counsellor for the first time on Friday. I'd seen her before but ages ago, under another mental crisis event. I hope she's not planning on retiring anytime soon! She listened to me summarize the past year, with all its stresses and unpleasantness and she asked me a few questions I wasn't expecting. How do I think the stresses contributed to February's breakdown?
And do I think I don't have a strong sense of self? I have to admit that this second question really threw me, because I've always thought I had a strong sense of self and that was the reason that I often times don't fit in.