in which I discover the perfect diet plan

Yes, I will consume only food that I grow myself.

Given that the total garden produce from June to October has been less than four quarts of vegetables total, dramatic weight loss is sure to ensue. I would probably die from starvation after a few months, after which weight loss is even more rapid!

Yeah, so the garden is a bust, although I did make a salad for lunch in which all the veggies came from the garden, picked about 20 minutes before consumption.

I have learned a few things about gardening, though. 

1. You must stake your tomatoes. Otherwise they fall over and you have to dig through the plant to find the ripe ones. I hate the way tomato plants smell. Absolutely hate it.

2. Cucumbers have spines. 

3. Supermarket cukes are not waxed for aesthetics but to keep in moisture. They shrivel up really fast.

4. Just because a product is called "garden soil" doesn't mean it's necessarily good for all gardens. Especially if it says "great for flowers!" on the label. It was probably great for flowers, but it sure sucked for root veggies. 

5. Despite what I've read to the contrary, you probably should put a liner at the base of a raised garden to keep the grass from growing up into it. Several layers of cardboard and the weight of several inches of compost is not enough to smother the grass. 

6. I'm glad I like green beans because that's about the only thing that I seem to be able to grow well. Even the second crop of radishes didn't do well (see #4).

in which I do hard physical labor

Who knew that removing a shrub would be so freaking hard? There was a large shrub next to the front door that I didn't like so I've spent most of the summer hacking away at it. Just a bit at a time so that it didn't become too onerous. 

Well, it was hacked away and only the stump and root ball remained. Last week, Oscar and I drove out to Calendula Nursery and got a replacement plant (yellow twig dogwood-yes, I know they need to be pruned) and today I did my best to get that damn stump out of the ground. 

Shovel and spading fork did a good job up to a point, but I finally gave up and walked over to my neighbor (who happens to be a master gardener) and asked for her advice. She lent me a digging rod, which turned out to be a very heavy, 6 foot long steel pole to use as a lever. Still no success. I had to expose more roots. I excavated around the roots with a trowel and pretended I was some urban archeologist unearthing a fabulous find instead of a frustrated neophyte gardener nearly weeping with exhaustion. Sometimes the lies we tell ourselves do help us get through the day. 

I took a break and Oscar took up the digging rod and pushed and prodded for several minutes, working up quite the sweat because did I mention that the rod was really heavy? Finally, there was that satisfying loud thunk which signified that some major root had been broken and the stump actually started to move. A few more minutes of levering and some more excavation and the giant root ball broke free. Yay!

I don't know exactly how much that root ball weighed but I'm guessing at least 45 lbs. Probably more. I don't have any trouble lifting a large bag (40lbs) of dog food over my shoulder but I could barely lift this thing into the yard waste bin. 

Oscar says, Finally!

Kate wants to know if it's edible.